Clemson made smudge designs across the window with her fingers as she looked out it.  The sky, with its gray heaviness, complemented the heaviness of her heart.  The rain falling—an example of the tears that trickled down the roundness of her soft cheeks.  The sun gone—like the warmth that once flowed through her body.  In its place a coldness.  A feeling of pure emptiness that webbed in and out of her body, filling her mind with thoughts of sadness.

     Glancing deep into the windowpane, Clemson looked up to see her reflection.  Her cinnamon-colored skin blotched from tears.  Soft, round cheeks puffy, matching her big brown eyes, long lashes dampened from the tears that continued to stream down her face.  Her lips full, mouth downcast, where a beautiful smile with dimples would usually be displayed.  Clemson continued her gaze up to her hair, which was pulled up into a bun.  Visually, she was a total mess.

     “Geez,” she muttered to herself.  “I really need to get over this.  Over him.”

     “Yes you do,” a voice behind Clemson replied.  Clemson spun around to face her mother, Cassie, coming from the laundry room.  “I know you love him, but you know the truth.  Don’t hurt yourself any longer.”

     “Mom,” Clemson said, almost in a whisper, “I....I...never loved anyone before.  And after this, I don’t want to love anyone again.”  Balling her hands up into fists, Clemson wiped the tears off her face as she slid to the floor and leaned against the wall.

     “I cannot believe...all that TIME!  I did so much for him, Mom.  So much.  And he waited til now.  I wasted so much time on him and my hopes of us being together.”

     Clemson slid to the floor and balled into her purple t-shirt.  It hurt Cassie to see her daughter so pained.  She bent down before Clemson, placing her hand on Clemson’s cheek.

      “Everything is going to be okay,” Cassie whispered.  “Sure it hurts now.  Hurts like hell.  But baby, it’s all going to work out in the end.”

     “Easy for you to say, Mom.  Your heart didn’t die today.”

      Taking Cassie’s hand, Clemson gently squeezed it, feeling its softness, warmness, that mommy feeling.  “In a letter?  He said I don’t love you in a letter!  Couldn’t tell me before I left Chicago .  He attacks me once I get home.  I have poured my heart into every letter, every poem, flower, song, kiss I ever gave him.”

      Clemson’s hands fell from Cassie’s as they clenched her heart, grabbing at her t-shirt, bunching it into her hands.

     “Now Clem, you are better off without that man.  You are a beautiful...”  Clemson shook her head no, but Cassie cupped Clemson’s chin, allowing their eyes to meet.  “You are a beautiful, young, intelligent black woman.  Your match is out there.”

     Unclenching her t-shirt, Clemson took Cassie ’s hands, kissing them.

      “You are my mother,” she said.  “You’re obligated to tell me I’m beautiful, but I know differently.  I’m not one of those thick sistahs that videos are made for.  I’m not fine, I’m not da bomb, and I’m not phat.  F-a-t maybe, but not p-h-a-t.  That’s probably what turned him off.  Whatever.”  Jumping up from the floor, Clemson smoothed green soccer shorts down over her full hips.  “It’s cool.”

     “Uh huh,” Cassie said, rising off the floor.  “I know that tone.  Those words.  Whatever.  It’s cool.  It’s still eating you up inside.”

     Clemson smiled broadly, her cheeks dimpling, as she looked at Cassie and kissed her cheek tenderly.  “You know you get on my nerve right?”

     “Yeah, and?”

     Clemson laughed.  The first true laugh she felt in days.  It shocked her to know that such a sound of joy could flow from a body so hurt.

     “Even when I feel like hell, you make me laugh, Mom.  I don’t believe anyone has a better mom than I.”

     “You got that right,” Cassie replied, hands on hips.  “Who could put up with all this melodrama?”

     “Well thanks.  What, should I be doing, dancing on the ceiling right now or something?”

     “You sure should be.  Shoot,” Cassie said, walking to the dining room and sitting down.  “You’re young and single.  You have so much time to have fun and look for someone.”

      Exasperated, Clemson followed Cassie into the dining room and sat in the chair opposite her.

     “I didn’t want to have so much time.  Brady was what I wanted.  No one else.  I’m never going to find someone like him again.”

     “Yes you will, but the next one will have something Mr. Brady didn’t have.”

     “And what is that?”

     “The ability to love you right back.”

      She just doesn’t understand, Clemson thought, as she smiled up at her mom, trying to hide the pain she felt deep down inside.

     “Okay Mom,” Clemson said, “I hear you.  But none of that matters because I’m not doing this falling in love thing again.”

     “Caduceus will have you back to your old self in no time,” Cassie said as she slid a finger across the glass table.

     “Cadu?  How is Sis gonna help me?” Clemson asked. “She’s not here in Baltimore .”  Cassie looked at Clemson, smiling.   “So, Mom.  How is she gonna help me?”

     “Well,” Cassie began, looking down at her reflection in the glass table.  “I called her last night.”

     Eyes widening with disbelief, Clemson looked at Cassie, completely dumbstruck.

      “What?” Clemson asked.  “What exactly did you tell her?”

     “I told her about Brady .”  As Clemson opened her mouth to protest, Cassie raised her hand to her.  “I didn’t tell her everything,” Cassie continued.  “Just that you got a letter and was very upset.  She was thinking about coming home for a bit this summer anyway, so I figured why not now instead of later.”

     Knowing it was pointless to argue, Clemson sighed deeply in defeat.

      “So when is she coming?” Clemson asked.

     “This afternoon.”

      Shaking her head, Clemson laughed to herself.  Leave it to Mom to magically try to make everything right.

     “I don’t know how you think Cadu is going to help me, or anyone for that matter.”

     “Don’t worry, Baby,” Cassie cooed.  “Everything is going to work out.”  Clemson got up from the table and stared at her mom.  The smile on her face.  Like she really knew things were going to work out.  Clemson hung onto that smile.  That hope.

“You never steered me wrong before, Mom,” Clemson said.  “Let’s see how your luck holds up with this one.”

☼

     This was it.  In just a few hours, Caduceus would be back home with her family.  She’d be able to put her energy into trying to cheer up her sister Clemson instead of worrying about her own dilemmas.  That’s what she wanted. 

     “I need to get away from all of this,” Caduceus said.  “Get away from all this drama.”

      Glancing around her now bare bedroom, Caduceus dusted off her hands, rubbing them across the rear of her jeans.

     “So are you done in here?”

      Caduceus turned around to find her roommate, Tami leaning against the doorway.

     “Yep,” Caduceus replied, her smile broadening across her face.  “All I have to do now is grab my luggage and head to the airport.  I just got back from putting my boxes in storage.”

     “You’re really going to do this, aren’t ya?” Tami asked.

      Caduceus walked around her bedroom, which contained only a bed, dresser, desk, and chair.  Running her fingers along the bare mattress, Caduceus swirled around and plopped onto it.

     “Yes I am,” Caduceus said.  “I’m just hoping that I can do it with minimal damage to myself.  My mom is going to freak when I tell her.”

     “Hell, I’m freaking.  I mean you didn’t tell her that you dropped out?  That you’re moving back home to go to school?  The very place you tried so hard to run away from?”

      Caduceus fell back on her bed, knowing that what Tami said was the truth, but trying to find the rationale behind her decision.

     “I know, Tam,” Caduceus said.  “But really, it’s not like I’m moving back home.  I’ll live on campus there at the school.”  Caduceus rubbed her hands wearily along her forehead.  “Besides, Clem needs me and I’m going home to help her right now.”

     “Yeah, okay,” Tami said, walking over to the bed and sitting beside Caduceus.  “What about Jarrod?  What does he think about you just packing up and leaving?”

     “Hmm, well he doesn’t exactly know about my leaving yet.”

     Tami slowly looked over at Caduceus, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling as if searching for some answer.

     “How in the hell you just gonna get up and leave him here?” Tami asked.  “This man is all up in love with you.  You think he’s not gonna be a little upset over this?”

     “Look,” Caduceus began, “I really don’t care what he feels.  What he thinks.”  Caduceus stood and walked over to the dresser, staring at her reflection in the mirror.  How could she tell Tami that she had to leave Jarrod?  Had to move away before she fell for him?  Sighing deeply, she swore to her reflection and turned to face Tami.  “Tam, this is hard for me.  I can’t let love get into my life.  I may seem strong and feisty, but I’m not.”

     “How can you say that?” Tami asked.  “You’re not only the smartest person in our department, but you are determined and sweet and funny...”  Caduceus held up her hand, shaking her head no.

     “You see,” Caduceus said.  “I have you fooled, too.  I’m not going to fall all over some guy and then get hurt in the end.  Losing him and myself.  I rather just be alone and live for myself.  It’s easier on my mind and my heart.  Am I wrong to think like that?”

     “No, you’re not,” Tami said, as she rose from the bed.  “But girl, we all need some love in our life.  That someone that makes it all seem worth living for.  Don’t give up on that.”

     Caduceus hugged her arms around her middle, wishing for her thoughts to fly out the window, from her mind.  Allowing her to believe that everything Tami said could actually happen for her.

     “It’s not that easy, Tam,” Caduceus said.  “I believe that we are how we are raised.  I look at my family and their ideas of love and marriage and you know what?  I don’t want it.  None of it.  I’m not about to lose my identity to someone and feel trapped.”

     “And how do you know Jarrod is like that?” Tami asked.  “Since you’ve met Jarrod, I have never seen you happier.  How is that a bad thing?”

     Caduceus closed her eyes.  This is too much for me, she thought. 

     “It just is,” Caduceus said.  “I don’t think love is worth the risk of getting hurt.  That’s the beginning and end of the situation.”

     Caduceus checked the time on her watch and grabbed for her bags.      “I have to be at the airport soon.  I’ll call you when I touch down.”  Caduceus stepped to Tami and hugged her.

     “Take this time while you’re away to think about…”  The phone rang, interrupting Tami.  Caduceus reached for the phone and answered.

     “Cadu speaking.”

     “Hey there,” a soft, yet deep voice answered back.  Caduceus felt a softness tingle through her body, but she kept the smile that itched to form over her lips inside.

     “Hey there, Jay,” Caduceus said, staring at Tami.  “What’s going on?”

     “Nothing Baby.  I just wanted to call and see what you were up to tonight.  See if you wanted to go out and grab a bite or something.”

     “Well, um, I’m not going to be here, Jay.”

     “How’s that?”

     “I’m going to Baltimore ,” Caduceus answered.  “Sis needs me so I’m gonna trek on up there and try to cheer her up for a week or two.”  Caduceus held the phone so tight her palms began to turn red.  Seconds ticked on and on without a reply from Jay .  “ Jay ?  Are you still there?”

     “Yeah,” Jay replied, the disappointment in his voice obvious.  “So when were you going to tell me about this, Cadu?”

     “I just found out about Sis yesterday.  I made the decision last night and called and got plane reservations.  I figured why wait, you know?”

     “I’m going to miss you,” Jay whispered into the phone, his voice making Caduceus weak in the knees.  “Would you like some company?  You know I’m just chilling this summer.  I would love to meet your family.”  Caduceus wanted with all her heart to shout yes, but with her family.  No, correction.  With her father, she knew she couldn’t expect a normal visit and she didn’t want to involve Jay in her family.  Especially if she wasn’t planning on having a more serious relationship with him.

     “That’s okay, Jay,” Caduceus said.  “I think I’m going to need all my energy and time to bring Clem out of her depression.  She needs me.  Besides, it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen her last.  We need this.”

     “True dat.  Okay, will you call me when you get in?  Give me some updates on how Sis is doing?”

     Caduceus smiled.  “Of course I will,” she answered.  “I’ll give you a daily update if you like.”

     “I would love that.  You know I love to hear your voice.  I love you.” 

     Wow, Caduceus thought, he just had to go there on me.  “I know you do,” Caduceus said.  “Look Jay, I have to go.  My plane leaves in an hour.  I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”

     “Okay,” Jay answered.  “Have a safe flight.”

     “I can only hope,” Caduceus said, smiling.

     “Remember, I love you, Cadu,” Jay said.  “With all my heart.”

     “I know you do, Jay.  I do you, too.  Speak to you when I get in.”  Caduceus kissed into the phone and hung up, staring at it as if she was hypnotized by it.

     “Are you okay, Cadu?” Tami asked.

     “Wow,” Caduceus said.  “He really knocks the equilibrium out of me.  I’m glad I’m out of here.”

     “What am I suppose to tell him if he stops by here and happens to notice that all your stuff is gone?”

     “Well my dear,” Caduceus began as she picked up her luggage, “he won’t be stopping by.  He knows I’m leaving remember?  He won’t have a reason to come over.”

     “What if he does?”

     “Geez,” Caduceus said, sighing, “why you always have to be the devil’s advocate?  If he does come by, Lord only knows why he would, but if he does, do not let him in my room.  Capiche?”

     “Capiche,” Tami answered, shaking her head.

     “And don’t shake your head at me.  Just open the door, give me a hug, and wish me well.”

     Tami looked at Caduceus and smiled.  She was really gonna miss her.  In the past two years, they had became like sisters in Tami’s mind and no new roommate was going to change that.  “I’m going to miss you, girlie,” Tami said.  “You my home skillet.  You know that right?”

     Caduceus laughed, dropping her bags to hug Tami.  “And you my frying pan, chick.  I know you know I’m gonna miss you, too.”

     “I hope everything works out for you, Cadu.  And just remember, if you decide to come back to sunny Miami , you always have a roomie in me.”  Caduceus wiped her cheeks quickly, surprised to see tears sliding down them.

“Thanks Tam,” Caduceus whispered, her throat tight from holding back tears.  “Hopefully I won’t have to take you up on that.”  Caduceus picked up her bags and headed for the front door, allowing Tami to open it.  “I’ll call you when I get in,” Caduceus yelled over her shoulder as she headed for her car.

     “Okay,” Tami replied.  Tami watched Caduceus toss her bags on the back seat and get her self situated in the driver’s seat.  As Caduceus pulled off, waving, Tami leaned against the front door and shook her head.  “I don’t think I’m going to need to find a new roommate,” she said quietly.

☼

“Cadu is coming today?” Randi asked as she cradled the phone receiver between her ear and shoulder.

“Yep yep,” Clemson replied.  “Actually she should be here any minute.  You know her.  When she’s on a mission she doesn’t wait.”

Randi laughed.  “Oh I know,” she said.  “So what’s Cadu’s mission this time?”

“Me,” Clemson said.  “She’s trying to fix my heart.  My mind.  She wants me to believe in this stupid thing called love again.”

“Well then count me in.  I have to get you back in the swing of things.”

“Look,” Clemson began, “just because you’re all up in love, like, lust, whatever, don’t be trying to help me see the light.”

“What do you mean whatever?” Randi asked.

“Nothing.  It’s just that I never know whether it’s you and Dru or you and Maxwell from one week to the next.”

“Damn.  Diss a sistah why don’t you.”

“Girl, you know that’s not how I’m trying to carry this,” Clemson said.  This is how it always started.  The subject of love would come into their conversation and Clemson always seemed to shove her foot way down deep into her mouth.  Then she’d end up spending hours apologizing.  “Ran, I’m just saying I’m a little confused.  I mean I know I don’t get the whole story on anything so I’m left putting together bits and pieces to find an end result.  Usually I’m wrong.”

“Okay fine,” Randi said.  “I’ll remember that the next time I tell you something.” 

“So does this mean you’re mad at me?”

“No,” Randi answered.  “I have to go right now.  Maxwell just walked through the door.  I’ll stop by later on this evening to say what’s up to Cadu.”

“Hey Clem,” Maxwell said as he walked up to Randi, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

“Tell him I said hey and I’ll talk to you later, Ran,” Clemson said.  “Love ya.”

“Love you too,” Randi said.  “Even when you piss me off.”  Randi hung up the phone and leaned back into the chair.  “Maybe she was right,” she said.

“Who was right?” Maxwell asked.  “And about what?”  Randi shook her head quickly, forgetting momentarily that Maxwell was standing in front of her.

“Nothing Hon.”  She smiled.  “Just thinking out loud.”  Satisfied with her answer, Maxwell walked over to the kitchen.  Randi watched as he reached up in the cabinet for a glass, opening the fridge to take out the orange juice.  Why would I want anything but this, Randi thought.  Here she was, almost 21 and with a guy that had everything she always wanted.  Did she love him?  Well she thought so.  She hoped so.  All she ever wanted was someone to love her, take care of her and here was that someone.  Of course, there was all that other stuff to worry about.  Like his age, her education, her ex.  But did she really have to think about that right now?

Randi liked looking at Maxwell.  His bright gray eyes, his honey complexion.  Yeah, he looked all of his 34 years, but he was there, looking out for her.  Something she never had and wasn’t about to give up on just yet.  Slipping into a daze, Randi was startled by the vibration of her cell phone.  Taking it from her hip, she read the message: Text Mess from Dru.  The message read 9-1-1 .

“Why now?” she whispered.

Maxwell sipped his juice, watching Randi check her cell.  “Who is it?”

“No one important, Hon,” Randi said, raising from the chair, as she made her way over to the kitchen.  She lifted her hand up to his glass and smiled girlishly.  “Can I have a taste?” she asked. 

“And what do you want a taste of?”  Sitting the glass on the counter, Maxwell reached for Randi’s raised hand.  “Come here.”

Randi suddenly felt very shy.  A playful act for some juice was beginning to turn into something entirely different.  Randi leaned into Maxwell as his fingers lightly caressed her cheeks.  His index finger slid across her full lips.  As Randi opened her mouth to speak, Maxwell leaned in and kissed her, barely brushing his lips across hers.

“Hi,” Randi whispered as she broke the kiss.

“Hey there yourself,” Maxwell replied.  Mesmerized by Maxwell’s eyes, Randi stood there, her arms lazily wrapped around Maxwell’s slender waist.  “I missed you today.”

“I missed you, too,” Randi said.  “I was busy at work, then Clem called.  Speaking of which...” Randi began to slip away from Maxwell, but he grabbed her hands.

“Speaking of which what?” he asked.

“I’m on my way over there.  Caduceus is on her way home and I’m going over to see her.”

Maxwell pulled Randi back to him, wanting to feel the warmness they had just shared so briefly.

“Can’t you wait to do that?  Just for an hour or two?”

“I promised Clem I would be there.  I can’t disappoint her.”

“But you can disappoint me?”  Randi looked at Maxwell and saw that he was visibly hurt.  She couldn’t tell him where she was really off to.  Yeah, she was headed to Clemson’s place, but that was after she took a short little trip.

“I’m sorry, Hon,” Randi said, frowning as she stroked his cheek, noticing that he hadn’t shaved today.  “I’ll make it up to you.  We can spend tomorrow together.  Just you and me.” 

“You promise?”

“Scout’s honor,” Randi answered, smiling.  “I will probably stay at my grandparent’s tonight unless Clem wants to do a slumber-girl thang.”

“Just call me and let me know where you going to be at,” Maxwell said.  “Okay?”

“Will do.  I’ll check ya later.”  Randi leaned in and kissed Maxwell on his stubbled cheek.  Nothing that said I love you.  Perfunctory.

“I love you,” Maxwell said, staring straight into Randi’s ebony black eyes, as if searching for her soul.

“Love you, too.”

Randi walked over to the chair to pick up her cell and keys and headed for the door.  Turning to give Maxwell one last smile, Randi opened the door and stepped outside.  Taking deep breaths to calm the fast pace of her heart, Randi leaned against the front door.

“Okay,” she said to herself.  “What does Dru want?”

Clenching her keys tighter into her hand, Randi jogged over to the burgundy Four Runner parked in the driveway, jumped in, and drove off to see what was up with her ex.

 

HEAD TO EPISODE #2!