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Columnist:
Dedan Tolbert
A
Reader’s Question:
Hey, Dedan,
My
question to you is what do you do when you and an ex have moved on into
new relationships, but the two of you still talk and text each other
throughout the day. This happens to be a situation that I’m going
through at the moment. I’m very happy in my new relationship, but for
some reason, I just can’t get my ex out of my system. I know it's only
a matter of time before my current boyfriend becomes suspicious. Even
though my ex and I still have deep feelings for each other, there were
issues from our past that would make having a successful relationship
impossible. I love him, but I know he’s not right for me. What should
I do?
My
Advice:
Thanks for
a great question. First, I’d like to applaud you for being mature
enough to acknowledge the fact that you’re still emotionally attached
to your ex. Many people are in denial about their feelings and often
lead double lives for months if not years.
You made an interesting statement when you said that you’re happy in
your new relationship. I don’t think you’re truly happy being with
your new boyfriend when you’re constantly talking and texting your ex
boyfriend. That time should be reserved for your current relationship.
You can’t fully commit to one person when you’re lusting after
another.
The first thing you need to do is be honest with your boyfriend and tell
him that you aren’t fully over your ex. That conversation should have
actually been had before the two of you became exclusive. That would
have given your boyfriend the opportunity to decide if he wanted to be
your rebound.
Second, you need to take a long hard look at why you and your ex broke
up in the first place and ask yourself if those reasons are so extreme
that they can’t be worked through. Relationships aren’t easy, and
many couples would rather break up than take the time to really try to
build something special.
If you don’t feel like you gave 100%, then you should try to
reconcile, but if you’re sure that there’s no future, you need to
walk away completely. For some reason, recently broken up couples think
that they can be friends immediately after the breakup. That’s one of
the biggest mistakes that can be made. Because of the level of feelings
that are involved, it's going to be impossible to immediately be
platonic friends right after a break up. It may not be able to be
possible ever. It takes a mature couple to acknowledge this and give
each other time and space.
Overall, if I were you, I would take some time to be apart from both of
your “relationships” and be by yourself to reevaluate the situation.
Spend some time in prayer and ask God to show you who He has for your
life. Once you receive that confirmation, it's up to you to be obedient
and make the right decision.
Hopefully, I’ve shed some light on this subject for you.
Dedan
Tolbert
is the founder/CEO of TB&D Enterprises, LLC and advice
columnist for Suavv Magazine, Maelan Magazine, Infinite Magazine, Blaque
Magazine, Big Time Publishing Magazine, The FlowLive.Com, and
KishaGreenOnline.com.
He
is also the author of
the award-winning novel, The Love We Had... and the upcoming novel,
Ask Dedan: Sex, Dating & Relationships- Volume I,
available July 27th!
Ordering
information is available at Dedan's
website!
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