Ask Dedan

Columnist:  Dedan Tolbert

A Readers Question:

What’s up Dedan?

            I have a deep situation that I would like your opinion on. It concerns me and my fiancée that I’ve been with for 5 years. I love her very much and we share a two year old son. Everything hasn’t always been good though. We’ve broken up a few times over the years...some being worse than others. There was even a period where we were separated for about 2 months. I asked her if she had slept with anyone else during any of these breakups and she said no. Although I trust her not to lie to me, I’ve always had my suspicions. We live in a small town and people talk. There were rumors that something went down with a childhood friend of hers when we were going through our drama.

            It doesn’t help matters any that our son doesn’t really look like me at all. I’ve been trying to get these thoughts of her infidelity out of my head but I just cant shake them. Things have actually been really good for the past year but my family has been telling me that I still  need to get a paternity test.

            Honestly, Dedan... I don’t want to get one because I’m afraid of what I might find out. I watch the Maury show all the time and have always told myself that would never be me on there looking stupid. I don’t want to confront her about my suspicions because I’m not trying to start another big argument. So my questions for you are... what should I do? Should I confront her about cheating on me? Should I get a paternity test which will probably lead to us breaking up again or should I just chill and try to make things work?

My advice: 

            This is a touchy and very delicate situation but I’m going to do my best to be real with you and give you my honest opinion. One thing that my readers appreciate about me is the fact that I don’t sugarcoat things or tell you something because its what you want to hear or something that will make you feel better.

            Thinking a woman that you love has been unfaithful to you is a thought that no man wants to ever have to think about, so my heart goes out to you. That being said, you still have to play this thing correctly or you will never peace of mind.

             From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the chances that she may have slept with someone else are pretty high. Did she feel like she was cheating on you? No. Probably not. Most likely, her fling happened during one of the times that you were broken up and she felt like she had no commitment to you anymore.

            I know that’s tough to hear and I’m not saying she definitely slept with someone but you have to keep an open mind about it. One thing that I’ve noticed about most women is that they don’t just cheat for any reason. When they’re happy and everything is good, most good women

don’t even look at other men who approach them. But when  they’re unhappy in their relationship, and they have guys coming at them left and right, you better be careful. Tripping and always accusing your woman of sleeping around is pointless. A woman is going to do what she’s going to do. All you can do is be the best man you can be and hope for the best.

            As far as your situation goes, I’m going to be real with you. It all depends on how you want your future to be and who you want to spend it with. The way I see it, you have two choices. You can get the paternity test which will hopefully confirm that you are, in fact,  the father but end up having her hate and possibly leave you for not trusting her in the first place.  Or, you can  get the paternity test and risk finding out that you are not the father and having your whole world turned upside down.

            Your other option is to just let the whole thing go and keep the woman you love but end up possibly raising a son that may not be yours. I can’t really tell you what to do in this situation because your decision depends solely on what scenario is more important to you.

            What I can do is tell you what I would do if I was in your shoes. Many of my readers know that cheating is one of,  if not the worst thing you can do to me, so I would need to know for my personal sanity if another man had hit that.

            I wouldn’t care if we were broken up or not. If she slept with someone else, I would feel like she had been unfaithful to me and our relationship. As for me, raising another mans child...she would have to go to the left with that! I would definitely get the paternity test and if it revealed that I wasn’t the father, then it would be a wrap.

            Relationships are built around trust and in order for you and your fiancé  to truly have that, you need to do what you need to do to remove all doubts about her being unfaithful. Then and only then can the two of you move on and be completely happy.

Hopefully, I've shed some light on this subject for you:)

“Question of the Day”

What would you do if you were in this reader’s situation???

Responses!!!

Sup Dedan, couldn't hold my tongue on this one....

This is indeed a touchy situation and unfortunately I watch Maury too and seeing that once and again doesn't help anyone in this situation. To this gentleman I say if you've been in this child's life since birth, don't just walk out on him. You are the only father he knows at this point. I personally think you could live with that and you've been able to do it thus far solely based on the fact that it's a possibility he could be your son. If you didn't think that you wouldn't still be there so the timeline must fit. What it sounds like you can't live with is knowing your fiancée may have had unprotected sex with someone, became pregnant and kept that from you all this time.

I think if you don't seek the truth you will never be able to move on be it with her or any other woman. Never addressing the situation will always cause you to think about it periodically. I think for her also it needs to be addressed because if in fact he is not your son she's been dealing with that lie everyday too. Ultimately, the child is so much more important though. I wouldn't wish anyone any health issues but what happens say in five years, this child becomes ill and through diagnosis and testing it's found that the child is indeed not yours and possibly the only person that can help him is his biological father?

I do think it's possible to confront the situation without losing your now loving relationship. The " if " factor is out there for you both even if you weren't together. If you've heard rumors in that small town she knows you've heard them. Talk about it! You obviously love this woman and this little boy so do what you have to do to ease your mind. In the long run it will make for a more loving relationship if you all can get past the past either way it goes. If you choose to stay in this child's life whatever the outcome may be, that'll be one less kid growing up without the guidance of a stand-up male figure in his life. Last but not least, pray to whoever you pray to for guidance!
Peace & Blessings most of all Love! 

_______________________________________

This is a great topic! well if I was in this readers shoes, I would have to sit down and think about what I really want. do I want this relationship or do I just want it to end. If I want the relationship I would have to trust my mate completely. and in order for me to do that I could only pray that my mate would answer my questions and suspicions honestly. no relationship will last if you can not trust your mate. I would have to be prepared for the worst and I guess after hearing this information I would then decide if I could live with the deceit or not.

There are ways to have a paternity test done with out the mother even knowing. he could have the test done with just he and the child. now once the verdict is in.... if its not his child to explain the results to the mother would be the challenge. I mean he had/has his suspicions and that would be the reasoning behind the test unbeknownst to her.

• Premiere Column:  Dedan answers a question from a man who's living a DOUBLE LIFE.

• Second Column:  Dedan answers a question from a woman who can't seem to get her ex out of her system.

• Third Column:  Dedan answers a question from a man who questions whether an intimate moment with a woman could be construed as rape.

Dedan Tolbert is the founder/CEO of TB&D Enterprises, LLC and advice columnist for Suavv Magazine, Maelan Magazine, Infinite Magazine, Blaque Magazine, Big Time Publishing Magazine, The FlowLive.Com, and KishaGreenOnline.com.

Dedan is also host of The Dedan Tolbert Show, which airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. EST @ Blog Talk Radio; you can call in with questions to 646-200-0366.

He is also the author of the award-winning novel, The Love We Had... and the upcoming novel, Ask Dedan:  Sex, Dating & Relationships- Volume I, available July 27th!

Ordering information is available at Dedan's website!

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